Services

Education
Don’t be an idiot. You’re being asked to blow $75,000 and four years of your life earning a degree. You cannot afford to fuck this up and major in the wrong subject. Don’t listen to that idiot “guidance counselor” of yours at high school. She never worked in the real world and doesn’t know jack. Listen to somebody who has lived in the real world. Besides, compare the roughly $20 price tag it takes to consult the average prospective student vs. the $75,000 you’re going to drop on a degree.

Courting/Dating
You got girl problems. Who doesn’t? Welcome to hell, son. You have no idea how screwed up this aspect of life is. And I mean that, dating in America and Western Civilization is an absolute insane asylum. It’s worth dropping the couple bucks on a blunt and honest assessment of your physique, attitude, charm, and strategy, not to mention learning a thing or two about dating in the modern age. Trust me, your sanity will thank you for it.

Career
A lot of clients either can’t find jobs, aren’t happy with their jobs, or found jobs, but it didn’t turn out to be anything as promised. Naturally you’ll think there’s something wrong with you, but the truth is, most employers are lying scumbuckets and most jobs suck. It’s HARD to find meaningful and rewarding employment, let alone a career. But you’re not going to find it listening to the HR ditz or asking some kind of “career coach” for advice. Asshole Consulting will give you the skinny on how the labor market really works and how to succeed in it.

Finance/Economics
A lot of people are worried about the future of the country, not to mention the world. Consequently, they don’t know where to invest, where they should live, and what they should do. I will confirm that the country is going to hell in a handbasket. What you should do about it once again depends on your personal situation and what you want to do in life. Might be worth dropping a couple bucks to give you some perspective on the country and the future so you can prepare for it.

Ghost Writing
Though not “advice” I do ghost-write books for people. Just admit it, you’re not going to write that book. You’re just going to contemplate it for the next 20 years. You might as well pay me to do it for you. I charge an egregious fee depending on length, scope, and detail, and it is all payable UP FRONT. I do NOT “share in the profits” or “take a cut” as payment.

Consulting
I worked in banking for 15 years and during that time I had the honor of sifting over thousands of tax returns and financial statements of companies and their owners. This “wonderful” experience made me intricately aware of not so much what makes a “successful business,” but what idiotic, moronic, stupid, galactically fucking retarded mistakes make for a business that is doomed to fail. From midlife-crisising men who wanted to run a “sports bar,” to the slack-jawed yokel hick that wanted to run his tracking company, to the endless line of ditzes who wanted a horse hobby farm, to every fucking scumbucket real estate developer that was running his latest Ponzi scheme, YES, I am INTRICATELY AWARE of what businesses are likely to be successful and not.

Ensure yours IS successful.

Before you “go into business” with that shady buddy of yours back in high school, why don’t you drop a couple bucks on Asshole Consulting and see if you aren’t about to cripple yourself financially for the next 20 years.


Again, these are just the six main topics that most clients wish to discuss, but if there’s money involved, I’ll talk about your cat if you want. However, TWO IMPORTANT SUB NOTES:

1. I cannot charge for specific investment recommendations, official psychological advice, or legal advice. Only certified financial professionals, lawyers, and psychologists can do so. Thankfully, I can provide you my opinion for free, but I also have access to lawyers, financial advisors, and therapists should you need one. More than happy to help out, but I cannot charge you for that.

2. A lot of my clients problems can be solved by buying one of my books. It may be a cheaper option as the books are rather detailed and thorough, addressing some of the key issues people face today.